About Shirisha Nagendran

In my first management role, I managed a team composed only of men much older than me.

Needless to say, it was a role that stressed the heck out of me. The most challenging part of the role was the 1:1s and the performance review conversations. Even more stressful were the times when I had to call in a team member to talk about a behavioural or performance issue. Like most of us, I kept putting the conversations away until the “problem” was inescapable, and I had no other way out except to have “the talk”.

I was receiving complaints about one team member.

He was getting into unnecessary arguments on the floor with the team he was working with. He was heard shouting a few times at his colleagues. We were working in a Change Team, and as part of our roles, we worked with other teams, helping them identify areas of improvement and deliver it for them. The teams were significant stakeholders in our work, and for him to argue and shout at our stakeholders was unacceptable.

I was in my 20s, and having tough conversations with a man older than me wasn’t something I looked forward to. After the third complaint reached me, I knew I had to have “the talk” with him.

I did not sleep well the night before the conversation.

I did not dare to set up a pre-arranged meeting as I thought mentioning “Topic: Escalation against you” in the calendar invite would be embarrassing.

The following day, I arrived early at the office, and as soon as I saw him come in, I went up to him and said, “I would like to talk to you at 11 am. Please come to the conference room 3.02.” It was 10:30 am.

He asked, “What is it about?”

I bit my tongue, “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Is it about what has been happening with that team? Did someone come and complain to you about me?”

“Why don’t you have a cup of coffee and come to the conference room? We can talk about it.”

I said the last statement in a flurry of words, tripping over each other, and walked to my desk. He left with his friend to the cafeteria.

At 11, I entered the conference room and waited for my team member to come. My stomach was knotted with anxiety and fear.

10 minutes passed, and he still wasn’t there.

My anxiety turned into irritation, and a slow burn of anger started to build up. At 11:20, his friend rushed into the bay as I walked out of the conference room.

“Shirisha, he is being taken to the hospital. Do you have his wife’s phone number?”

“What happened?” I asked as I unlocked my computer to fetch my team member’s emergency contact details.

“He was agitated, and he suddenly started bleeding from his nose, and he fainted. His blood pressure was very high, and we had to call an ambulance. He is being taken to the hospital nearby.”

I was racked with guilt. My team member, unable to handle the stress of the anticipated tough conversation, ended up unconscious and bleeding from his nose. 

He came to the office after ten days, and I did not dare to mention his shouting on the floor. 

This was my first brush with having a tough conversation that had turned into a disaster even before I had the conversation. Since this experience, I have had several missteps in my career, spanning 18 years in numerous roles, managing people and stakeholders. 

I had to learn to have tough and challenging conversations.

I had to learn to speak my mind while being considerate of others. I had to learn to balance courage, openness, empathy and directness while having tough conversations. 

This journey has been facilitated for me by excellent bosses like Jiwan and Ela, who taught me by example how to give and receive feedback while being fair and empathetic. I’ve had excellent teachers and guides like Subha, whose non-violent communication teachings and 1:1 sessions have helped me transform my relationship with conflict into something that enriches relationships. 

Numerous books, workshops, and conversations with friends have provided me with a safe space for reflection and learning. When I did my coach training a decade earlier, this proved to be the start of 100s of conversations with my clients, most of them centering around how to have tough conversations with others, and with themselves.