A few weeks ago, I went out for lunch with a close friend. We had a sumptuous Indian meal, and we were happy and content. After some time, a sharp digital voice pierced the air. A well-dressed young man was seated with his friend at the next table. He was eating his meal and taking calls with his phone on speakerphone.
This went on for a while.
He was talking loudly, and his speakerphone was turned on at full volume. I tried gesturing to him, but he was too busy. I called out to him, “Can you take your phone off speaker?”
He made a rude gesture and went back to speaking loudly on his phone. After a few minutes, I heard him call out to me loudly, “How dare you teach me what to do? This is my phone and my table, I will do what I please. Who are you to tell me what to do?”
He was shouting at the top of his voice.
I replied, “You are in a public place. You can take your phone off speaker.”
He went red and shouted, “You can get the hell out of here. Who do you think you are?”
He continued shouting, and I was unsure of what to say. It became clear that nothing I said or explained would improve the situation. I would just be adding fuel to the fire. So, I did the first thing that came to my mind,
I addressed him, “You look upset.”
He was confused, and he stopped his tirade.
“I am not upset.”
“You look upset.”
He stopped talking loudly and looked down at his plate, muttering under his breath, “Idiot.”
My heart was racing. I am not fond of conflicts, and this interaction heightened my unease. The young man was full of rage and ready to pick a fight. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he came to harm me physically.
Almost immediately, the conflict diffused when I connected with his feelings. It was like popping his balloon of rage, and he just sat back.
He answered another call on speakerphone but lowered his volume.
My heart settled, and my friend and I spent some time chatting, and then we left. My teacher has taught me that connecting with feelings is the first thing to do in a conflict.
Connect, connect, and connect.
I’ve been listening to her wisdom and trying to practice it for a while. All these years of practising came as a reflex when I found myself in an unexpected and high-energy conflict. I connected with the young man’s feelings, and the conflict diffused and did not escalate.
If you find yourself in high-energy conflicts, connecting with your own or the other person’s feelings can buy you time and diffuse the energy momentarily.
What’s your instinctive reaction when you are in a high-energy conflict? Is it to escalate, connect or escape?
P.S. If you are ready to level up, work with me for 1:1 career coaching. Hit reply, and I’d love to share more.
💌 Siri
